In the years of March 2011 – January 2017 I ate a total of 2 doughnuts. I ate 2 doughnuts this past Friday. I ate 2 doughnuts on Thursday. I ate 2 doughnuts and a bear claw on Wednesday. I’ve eaten doughnuts all darn year. Every time I ate one I told myself not to eat it, but I did it anyway. I didn’t take myself seriously when I said not to. You see, food is my drug of choice. Doughnuts is a symbol of my struggle. I push back against the words “food addiction”. However, yes, I am a food addict. Foods with the combo of sugar, fat and flour are my drugs. There is no such thing as “moderation” when it comes to drugs so why do we try to fool ourselves into thinking we can let the food that doesn’t serve us well into our lives.
You see, I had it under control. I lulled myself into thinking I could let up off the brake and give it a little gas. I do see that some difficult, stressful life situations pulled me back and I allowed it. Oh.. it was slow. A little more gas here and there until BAM! I’ve wrecked my train.
I do see things that occurred in my young life from about the age of 4 through my teens that started me on the path of an unhealthy relationship with food. If I allow myself to peel back the curtain and take a look, I know. It isn’t easy to look, but it’s important to do so. It is also important not to allow those things to control you and your relationship with food for your entire life. We do have the power to choose and take control. However, often we must take an unvarnished look at the whys, own up to the reality and choose to move forward with some positive action. We cannot stay in “victim mode”. To do so relinquishes too much power.
So here I am a few days shy of age 54 and I’m finding myself fighting the same battle – again. I’m armed with lots of education, history and knowledge of what I need to do, what I must do, what I have successfully done in the past. Now I must implement it. Is it easy? Heck no. Is it possible? Heck yes. Is it difficult in terms of complexity? No. Does it require effort to consistently execute? Of course. Worth it? Oh yes. Giving up because I wrecked my train? Oh No! Blaming anyone or anything else but myself? Nope. Victim mode is not engaged. Am I beautiful, smart and worthy of love just the way I am? Of course. Blinders on to being fatter than I want and need to be and needing to course correct? No way.
Are your blinders on?
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Jen, so many people, especially women, can relate to your heartfelt post. Certain foods can captivate us and call us back to them over and over again when the circumstances are right.
What I do know for certain is that you are absolutely stronger than that pull. The donuts may have scored a few rounds, but you will prevail in the end. And the hard work that is getting and staying healthy will be worth it. Something you already know.
You and me and jelly munchkins!! I absolutely feel you with this. I know I’ve shared all my doughnut stories over the years and you steered me out of my Taco Bell phase. I can’t think of myself as a train wreck, too rigid with the tracks and such. I switched to a forest path that is lined with fresh ferns and meanders a bit but I can still find the path and dangit, there’s some of your delicious spice bread. I have to treat food pulls the same way I do emotion pulls, they too will pass. Hugs and love!